I think I’m pregnant

14 04 2010

I feel like I am pregnant.  At least I think I do.  Not in the Oprah/Dr. Phil kinda way.  There won’t be an hour-long TV story based on my pregnancy anytime soon.  I may have been screwed over a few times lately but certainly nothing that would produce a child.  But I digress.  My wife described the process of pregnancy as delight at times and agony at others.  Particularly when she got to that point when she said she was “done.”  You may have heard of it before – pregnant woman so graciously carries her little bundle of joy and happily endures, I mean, enjoys her pregnancy until she wakes up one morning after a night of pseudo sleep because she can’t lay any particular way comfortably and says, “I’m done”.  Then she stands up and realises she no longer has feet…or ankles.  All of that to say that’s kind of how I feel. 

Many people have commented on how positive and inspirational this blog is.  To you I say thanks.  However, I feel discouraged.  Maybe just today or for the past few days but yeah – I’m off.  Not way off just a bit off.  I think any exploration or climbing of a mountain has some trepidation and doubt.  And it’s not really doubt as much as it is impatience.  Being almost at Base Camp 1 on my accent of Dream Mountain, I am equal parts thrilled at the progress and where we are and frustrated we are not further along.  This is why I love the pregnancy analogy.  When my wife was pregnant there came a time all she wanted was to deliver the baby.  I’m at a similar impasse.  Have you ever been there?  Waiting on something you know will eventually happen but agonizing over the time it will take to get there.  Maybe you were waiting to hear about acceptance to a certain school, for a boyfriend to ask you to marry him, for a baby to come, for a settlement to finalize, for a certain promotion, or maybe to finally be free of a very bad situation.  Regardless I think we’ve all been there from time to time.  My hope is to be completed the climb and living my dream by the fall.  I’m just terrible with waiting.  Patience is not a strong suit of mine.  Even after reading my own blog (the process of progress) and drinking my own Kool-Aid, I am having a hard time not being anxious.  Anxious to get going already, not anxious in an unsure kind of way.  Sometimes I pray God will give me the patience to see this through, the courage to endure, and the strength to believe in myself and the gifts He has given me.  God has a great sense of humour doesn’t He?  How is it exactly God grants us patience without also granting the situation in which patience must be practiced?  Or courage?  Or strength for that matter?  It’s been my experience God answers some prayers by giving us what we want and others by not giving us what we want.  In this case, He has answered by giving me opportunities to practice.  Uhhhh.  This climb is long.  The steps are relatively easily completed and each little bit sized success gets us closer to the goal.  But FRIG – let’s just rent a helicopter and get to the top of Dream Mountain already!  I mean really – isn’t that why helicopters were invented?  To fly quickly in areas planes, cars, and feet cannot get in the quickest fashion possible?  Like seriously, who ever says, “no thanks, I’d rather climb the mountain.”  I do I guess.  As much as I hate it – I do.  I need to.  This is a weakness I need to manage and walking through this process with the awareness of my impatience and not becoming the impatience is the next crevasse to be scaled.  Hey that sounds like a new challenge.  Cool.

My wife tried to figure out how to get unpregnant from 7 months on.  Whether it was castor oil, walking, aerobics, nesting, whatever she could to be finished her pregnancy as soon as possible she did it.  She just wanted to get on with it.  I’m feeling like that now.  Let’s just start living the dream.  Enough of the climb – let’s get to the summit.  You know it’s funny.  A few weeks after my baby was born my wife said to me, “sweetheart, I miss being pregnant, this Mommy thing is a bitch.”  On second thought, I’m enjoying the climb.